"Haven't felt the way I feel today in so long it's hard for me to specify...I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb, pins and needles, nice to know you, goodbye..." (Nice to Know You, by Incubus)
The lyrics to this song pretty much sum up how I've been feeling about my life in the past month or so. After finding my birth family not too long ago (Sept. 2010), I can now join in with the other adoptees I've heard through the years telling of the reunion experience, saying it has made them feel COMPLETE.
What does that really feel like, you might ask? Well, on a very basic level, I now have family that I look like. Sure, I have 2 children of my own, but it's not the same. Everyone wants to feel like they're a part of something. When I look at my real brother and my birthmom, and see my eyes in them, well it's a feeling of euphoria. A connection that goes beyond the surface. There are so many things I like and do and ways I feel that are so much like them. Knowing other people, family, that are alot like you can do wonders to validate who you are. It has boosted my confidence and self-esteem to levels I didn't know were possible. I don't know how far I'll go into this today, but I will say this:
All these years, I've had an insecurity about being my real true self. When you grow up in a household where your own opinions and thoughts are so, so different from theirs, you develop a way of holding back. A fear that you can't completely be yourself, always second guessing who you are. The COMPLETE feeling is the confidence I now have because:
I know where I came from.
I know who I'm like.
I know who I am.
All of the questions I have had for 35 years have been answered.
Goodbye to the old me, nice to know you.
The new me plans on spending the rest of my life feeling freedom from the insecurities.
Feeling COMPLETE.
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